ANOTHER THING ON THE INTERNET TO LOOK AT

OH AND IT GETS BETTER - BACK VIEW!

As expected, Ross’s birthday gifts were worth the wait.

The Urban Legend Drinking Game

Note: As Ross and I are watching Urban Legend & making this we are totally sober, but someone should try this out and tell us how it turned out. If you get alcohol poisoning it’s not my fault, it’s Tara Reid’s.

“OMG I totally didn’t mean to kill that 9-year-old while I was talking on my cell phone and swerving around a stopped car into the left lane! He’s in my prayers yall”

1. Drink every time Tara Reid does anything vaguely sexual, or any time she references her (or her mother’s) superstitious beliefs

2. Drink whenever an urban legend is referenced.

3. Drink every time NATALIE (dumb redhead Lauren Ambrose wannabe) listens to her whiny sad girl music (*drink double if it’s through her headphones while her goth roommate is having sex*)

4. Drink for every mention of “frat boy”

5. Drink every time Rebecca Gayheart. (interpret that however you want.)

6. Drink every time the dude who looks like our pal Ben Hicks  looks like our pal Ben Hicks

7. Drink whenever lady-cop Reese speaks in ebonics or is completely inept at being a campus safety officer. (SERIOUSLY, WHY IS SHE THE ONLY CAMPUS POLICE OFFICER? ESPECIALLY WHEN THESE KIDS ARE DROPPING LIKE FLIES? WTF? ON SUPPOSEDLY “THE SAFEST CAMPUS IN AMERICA”? but i digress because if we were to go into plot holes and technical problems with this movie we’d be here ~all night long~)

8. Drink every time Jared Leto acts like he’s too good for the lines he’s saying, or whenever his character gets defensive about being *the best journalist ever*

9. Drink every time someone dies, duh.

10. Drink for every unnecessary cut to Natalie entering or exiting a building on campus. *Drink double if it’s an especially unnecessary shot*

11. Drink when Jordan Catalano Jared Leto says: “I don’t buy it… I don’t know if I EVER bought it.” Drink again as he drops the mic and walks the hell away from Fatalie

12. Drink when Dean Adams says the phrase “shacked up with some girl… or some guy… or a faaaarm animal,” which is by far the most insane line in this movie.

13. Drink every time lightning strikes (caution: this happens hilariously often and once you notice it you can’t un-notice it)

14. Howl, chug, scream, finish your beer, smash it on your head, etc, during the scene in which the killer is revealed. And what a scene it is… “DING DING DING DING DING”

This movie is fucking ridiculous. Such a treasure. Enjoy. Drink responsibly, or not at all. Doesn’t mean you can’t still enjoy this shit.

Proudly Presenting: The “I Know What You Did Last Summer” Drinking Game

1. Drink when anyone says any variation of the word “fish” or mentions fish in any way. (ie. “fishing”, “don’t you like your red snapper?” “FISHERMAN, HUH?” etc.)

2. Drink whenever you see a fish.

3.* Drink whenever you are confused about the minor details of the plot.

Guaranteed to get you shitted! Brought to you by Mary-Kate and Ross, who have not yet tested this game — you’ve been warned.

(*This is the rule that will fuck you up the most.)

it’s right up your alley

in addition to being proficient at Boggle and an excellent apple pipe craftsman, there’s another practically useless talent i’ve recently noticed i possess: i can, within a certain degree of accuracy, suggest a “new television show” for a friend to watch, and almost  guarantee that they’ll like it. it’s not so much a talent as i’ve just spent so many hours watching so many different television shows and based on someone’s sense of humor, personality, and like, shit i’ve noticed they like or have laughed at before… wait i just realized…

i guess what i’m saying is i’m like a human netflix taste suggester thing. (those taste preference rows have me all wrong, but that’s almost certainly because i’m too cheap to get my own netflix account and i just use ross’s and his categories are, and i quote, “Campy Serial Killer Satires”, “Emotional Gay and Lesbian Television Shows”, “Imaginative Fantasy for Ages 8 to 10”, etc.) but i swear i’m good at predicting what my friends would love and SUPER GOOD at pressuring them into watching it! i’m all like “You might also like…” which is so annoying but then they end up loving the show, and they realize they’re so thankful that they can depend on me to waste half my life consuming television series by the box set and then sifting through the television pokedex in my head and determining, almost mathematically, what you like to watch.

FOR EXAMPLE, and the thing that made me start writing this post in the first place, a few weeks ago i was hangin’ with my two good schoolyard chums vincent and jared in the public garden afta summa school class. we were just hanging out on a bench in the safety corner. i was feeding some clif bar pieces to some squirrels until one scratched my finger and got paranoid about rabies and squirrel aids and forgot all about feeding anyone anything. and at some point the conversation turned to television, a-duh, and i told my pal jared, “you absolutely must watch party down, i can’t believe you’ve never seen it, you’re going to love it, i can tell, omg let me know when you watch it, live-text me your feelings throughout the really good episodes” etc etc probably going on and on even worse than that.

sooooo since jared is a carpe diem type of guy, and also because he also knows not to take my recommendations lightly, on his way home from our secret public garden party, he stops at Newbury Comics and buys both seasons on dvd! what a guy! and now, like 2 weeks later, here i am sitting on my newfound friend facebook chat and jared is all like “party down is amazing by the way” and “watched every episode” and my heart fills with so much warmth and excitement about sharing my love of television and humor. bonus points for jared and an extra-swelled up heart for me because he, in turn, introduced it to his roommate, our boy mike. sharin’ the love train.

oh, and it’s important to mention that i’m even better at predicting what someone will hate, and i’ll tell them to avoid at all costs, because in my opinion there’s too much good TV out there for you to waste your time watching something you don’t like, even if everyone else likes it.

my example: tonight i turned to bianca and said, “don’t even think about starting to watch mad men just because it’s on netflix instant now. you’ll fucking hate it.” and she replied, “thank you.”

(why did i link jared’s tumblr every time i typed his name? he should pay me ad space. confession: i almost just linked the one i just typed out too.)

missin’ my ross.

HILARY DUFF WHY ARE YOU WALKING INTO THE OCEAN LIKE THAT

WHAT THE FUCK

THIS MOVIE IS A CAR CRASH

as you may know, i’ve been working my way through Tom Perrotta’s body of work, borrowing each book from Ross, and just finished The Wishbones. it was enjoyable, i guess, but totally underwhelming, especially in comparison to Election and Little Children. if the Wishbones were a young hollywood starlet, it’d be Kristin Stewart. basic bitch. (Election is Emma Stone, and Little Children is Emma Watson.)

however, my disappointment finishing the book quickly faded away when i got to the last page, on which i know Ross likes to write the date he finished the book. this small inclusion of “the Motherfucking Wishbones” caused me to smile ear-to-motherfucking-ear, partly because it’s funny, partly because i’ll never get tired of the good old f-word, but also because there’s nothing like seeing the familiar handwriting of someone you love in an unexpected place. typeface can never touch that. i’ll never get an emotional reaction from a font, no matter how dependent on technology i become. that is a very comforting thought, i think.